I haven’t posted for a few weeks because I’ve been on holiday and that holiday has included a lot of boozing!
There didn’t seem much point in blogging about drinking when the point of this blog is to record my sobriety, but in saying that I’ve always known this was going to be a “journey” and I suspected there would be some tribulations to go along with all the triumphs.
My outlook on life does tend to lean towards the bright side and I always try to find a silver lining. While I’m annoyed at myself for not putting in the hard yards to properly put a plan in place for this holiday and stay sober, I am surprised that I haven’t LOVED falling off the wagon.
I had assumed that with alcohol in my system, its grasp would tighten and I’d question why I ever thought I needed to give up the stuff. I thought I would fall head over heels in love with drinking again and never want to let go… but it’s been a bit of a ‘meh’ experience. That’s not to say I reckon I could take it or leave it – that pull for a drink is alive and kicking! But I think the few weeks of sobriety prior gave me a bit of distance from alcohol and I am a lot more reflective and self aware.
The real silver lining is that I have missed being sober, I’ve missed the benefits and I’ve missed feeling a bit high and mighty and proud of myself. I’ve missed being surprised by myself and learning about myself and about addiction. The real silver lining is that even while I have had some enjoyable boozy hazes, I can see that life is just better without alcohol. It’s just better.
Last night we arrived in San Francisco and will be here for a few more nights. I doubt that I will stay sober for the next few days. I’ve been sucked in by the comfort of alcohol and the romanticism of drinking this holiday and I plan to learn from that. Some serious self examination will be put into a ‘post-mortem’ of what went wrong and what I need to do next time.
My partner just walked into the room and asked whether I was telling the world how badly I’d fucked up my sobriety (ha, dickhead!), but I don’t really feel ashamed to say I fell off the wagon. I’m just happy to know that some sense of knowing that being sober is better stayed with me during this holiday. While I don’t currently have the skill-set to get me through a holiday sober, I still have the desire to live a life free from alcohol and that is a win in my book!