It’s been a week since my ‘where to from here’ post and I have managed to achieve diddly squat. Zero exercise was done, zero new hobbies were looked into, zero helpful self-help books were read and I probably managed to get a little fatter (Christmas chocolate supplies seem to be multiplying despite my best efforts to make a dent in them).
But the good news is that I’ve racked up another seven days of sobriety, and that’s another seven days of brain re-training, another seven days of distance between me and my last drink, and hopefully another seven days closer to beginning to feel normal about not drinking.
After my last post, a general theme of the feedback seemed to be that it was all good to chill out a bit and not feel like I had to be doing stuff in order to achieve happiness in sobriety. Looking back at my last week, it seems like I took that advice and ran with it – I’ve gone into full laze mode and haven’t even scratched the surface of the housework! But as Jackie said, it’s wonderful to be able to remember the ends of all the shows I’ve been watching.
Surprising little things like this keep popping up and reminding me of what I was missing out on before I stopped drinking. I would get several episodes deep into a series, only to have to re-watch them all the next evening because I could only half remember what had happened. The amount of time spent trying to find the exact right point in the show where I slipped into drunken mess territory and couldn’t remember any further was infuriating. On Friday night we went to see Jimmy Carr and it was so bizarre (good bizarre) to be really present in the moment and get some simple enjoyment out of the night. Drunken me would have had one eye on the bar all night thinking about my next drink, needing to get up and pee halfway though, and my drunken brain would have been behind the eight ball with all the jokes.
This week hasn’t been all sunshine and roses though. The spectrum of emotions I can rattle through in a single day astounds me. I’ve had a few really, really angry ‘If anyone talks to be I’ll stab them‘ moments and I think they mainly sprout from feelings of ‘why me? This isn’t fair!’. Then within an hour my mood will have swung wildly the other way feeling grateful that I’m sober and even so far as to feel grateful for my drinking problem because it’s forced me to get involved in a bit of introspection and self-love. Within a matter of hours I can feel depression, boredom, elation, calmness, shame, self-loathing, self-love, irritation and so on. It’s a roller-coaster. When the yucky emotions hit, I try and remind myself that they’re only temporary, but when you’re in the thick of it, it can be hard to believe that you’ll ever feel any differently.
I had grand plans to get productive this weekend to make up for the week that’s been, but I’ve been struck down with a cold yesterday, so I’ve ended up cooped up indoors achieving a whole lot more of piss-all. It’s hard to believe there was a time, only a matter of weeks ago, that my go-to cold remedy would have been red wine and hot toddies. I’m happy to say that drinking is the last thing I feel like doing right now! Instead I’ll raise my cup of hot blackcurrant to a more productive week next week… or maybe the one after 😉